Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs