Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”