@PaulGibson1963: Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.
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@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@TheTweetOfGod: People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
@PopSlapFunk: Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, "Hey, I found you on Twitter" and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.