@1par8head: Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...
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@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot. [fall down stairs as I leave]
@ericsshadow: If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.
@DomBorrett: Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'