Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father