It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You Might Also Like
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
#gardening
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.