C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.