Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You Might Also Like
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Effort made
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?