Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like