Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Bringing home a sharpie
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.