May never get over this
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP