One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Breaking news:
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.