*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?