Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My dad.