“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Fluff me with a fork baby
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.