ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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WWE is French for “yes”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
OH. COME. ON.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”