dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
🙋♀️
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”