dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together