dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You Might Also Like
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again