“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I have never heard an armadillo before.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
eating my hot dog hamburger style