Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.