me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime