“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Software Development ⛵️
Feel. He’s so soft.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one