I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.