Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.