DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
fr
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.