Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Squirrels before girls.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.