I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I can’t be the only one 😂
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Do one person every day that scares you.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.