David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”