I feel like one of these would kill a European
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The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
what?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?