Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
i did the math
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess