[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd