Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Why font matters.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I can’t be the only one 😂
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”