“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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What is going on? 😅
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.