DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
i’m sure it’s fine
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.