David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol