Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”