David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
You Might Also Like
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.