@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside. THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

@sixfootcandy: And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I've never seen a bigger gavel.

@offbeatoliv: Scotch neat please Umm...this is a Starbucks *sigh Ok a scotch "grande"

@yonewt: I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don't even try to talk to me about psychos

@david8hughes: [family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock