David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.