David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
cyclists
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.