Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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Spring of Deception
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.