A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books