Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
🤣🤣🤣
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Still cracks me up
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.