People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I don’t know what to do
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
British websites use biscuits.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Krampus.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.