Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.