day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child