Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
A fake ID that makes you younger
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.