Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
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Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
girls literally only want one thing..
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*