My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Sing it!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The photographer’s assistant
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.