[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
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One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—